The Dark Alley List

So as a rabid sports fan(and occasional unbalanced psycho), I keep a running list in my head of professional sports players I would like to take a bat to in a dark alley sometime. Now this list does not contain superstars, else it would be clogged up by the Derek Jeters, the Peyton Mannings, and the Kobe Bryants of the world. No the DA list is reserved for the pests of the world, the players who annoy me not because of their skill on the floor, but by their demeanor, their style of play, their je ne sais quoi. Or they just really fuck over my team, in one spectacular way or a long career of continuous fucking. I realize I am a hypocrite, there are many such players on the teams I root for who would qualify, but fuck it, they are family. They get a pass. Former inductees into the Dark Alley List include:

Bucky Dent: Yeah. What can I say? I was like 4 months old when Bucky hit that home run. HE WAS PICKING ON A BABY! Fuck you Bucky.

Aaron Boone: See above, except I am 25, not 4 months. Bonus points for hurting his knee in a pickup basketball game and allowing a pitch-tipping, steroid using uber-Douche to come to the Yankees.

Ulf Samuelsson: Ended the career of my favorite hockey player ever, Cam Neely. According to wikipedia was called Robocop for the suit of armor he wore on the ice. More fuel for the swede hating fire. Fuck you Ulf, if that is your real name.

Sasha Vujacic: This one is a gimme. Everybody hates this Euro cocksucker. When I have that recurring dream where Kobe replaces Eddie Murphy in the opening scenes of "Coming to America"(don't ask) it's Sasha's head that pops out of the tub unexpectedly.

Shannon Sharpe: Really too talented to be on this list, but the clip of him on the phone calling the "National Guard" inspires a rage in me that is almost unmatched. I was actually living in Colorado that year and had to endure the insufferable, cocky-by-proxy Broncos fans he rubbed off on. Bad times. Until Michael Dean Perry could not get his fat ass off the field, allowing my Patriots to go to the Super Bowl. Suck it Shannon and Bronco Fans.

Bill Laimbeer: Aging into a distinguished gentleman, but I remember you cockbreath. I remember.

Which brings us to today, and our brand new invitees to the list. Maybe its because the series is so fresh in my mind, but I have an unprecedented two entries this year, from your '08-'09 Bulls:

Joakim Noah and Brad Miller. These two gave me a reason to care about the playoffs. Once KG went down I had resigned myself to a Cleveland-LA Finals like everyone else, and I was preparing myself to lose to King James. I know, being defeatist is hardly becoming of a fan, but everytime I have watched LBJ this year I wonder how we slid by him last year by the skin on PJ Brown's teeth. So lets say my caring was a little muted. Until the prancing pony duo of Noah and Miller came to town. Holy Fuck I hate these two now. The fantastic shot making in this series by Gordon, Allen, Salmons and Pierce is almost over shadowed by the antics of these two, one a tweener lottery pick with no position but lots of ENERGY! The other a never-was who once thought this was a good idea:

Yep. That is what you think it is. Corn rows on a white guy. I cringe.

I have to believe that with some extra front court depth we could have put a stop to the high stepping antics of Joakim. Hell if Sheriff Garnett were wearing the green tonight he would have poked out Noah's eye and skull fucked him for that horse collar/clothesline on Rajon Rondo in Game 7.

Back to Miller. Have you ever seen a fully grown man pout like he did at the end of game 5? Sure Rondo clocked him, no one is denying that, (mostly because of the video evidence) but really? Did he have to carry the on the verge of tears face throughout that entire pathetic sequence? The celebrations during Game 6 were a tad too much as well, though grudgingly he did have a good game with some key shots.

Kirk Hinrich had a chance to make this list too for playing some goddamn good defense while knocking down some shots, but pity keeps him off because of the arm whip into the turnbuckle by Rondo, and the unforgivable missed layup in Game 6. That could have put him into the goat category for all time, just a few levels shy of Buckner or Bartman. Great series Bulls. I legitimately despise almost every player on that roster now except maybe Derrick Rose (and his crazy block of a runaway dunking Jackie Moon....I mean Brian Scalabrine)

The best thing to come from this series is it shows us the way the Celtics can proceed going forward with an aging Big Three. Rondo's ability to slash and create will set up opportunities for Pierce, Allen and KG to spot up for jumpers well into their golden years. While Perkins and Big Baby can develop their games, undersized big men to be sure but against a weak crop of young big men? They could be special. The only big man in the Eastern Conference who will be able to challenge them physically going forward is Dwight Howard, and nobody matches up with him. Onward Christian soldiers. We move on to face the Magic, and I hope we can play some D on the perimeter because Superman is going to abuse us down low.